Loretta Henry
July 8, 2011
Session 92

Transparency

It never ceases to amaze me how much insight I get just by looking a word up in a standard dictionary. When I saw the following meaning for the word transparency, a bright light went off in my brain. It was an “aha! moment “ for sure!

Transparency: the quality of being transparent…
Transparent: having the property of transmitting rays of light through its substance so that bodies situated beyond or behind can be distinctly seen; admitting the passage of light through interstices.

I’ve known for quite a few years that transparency is supposed to be being honest about one’s life; about not hiding who I really am; about not being afraid to admit I was not perfect; about sharing my true self with others in order to help them and myself in the process.

However, the above definition pointed to, what I am thinking is, the whole point of transparency that I have been totally missing which is letting the light of Christ shine through me to others; letting the light of Christ light up any dark space that comes between me and another; letting the light of Christ project truth on the “o so small” nooks and crannies of my life that keep me from being the Christian witness that I am called to be. The whole purpose of transparency then is to bring honor and glory to God; to let Christ be seen.

This is why The Secret of Successful Christian Living is…TRANSPARENCY.

Therefore I cannot:

1. Have anything going on in my mind that I would not be willing
to share with the whole world. Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

The mind takes in a lot of territory. My mind is a vast universe of thoughts and ideas. It can lift me to heights of ecstasy or drown me in the depths of despair. It can be a full time job to monitor the thoughts that my mind decides to think when I am not looking. If I am not careful to have my mind submitted to Christ I can size up a situation or a person and become judge, jury and executioner without ever being fully aware of what I have just done. It is a very short excursion from the mind to the mouth and the most awful things can come off of my tongue if I have allowed thoughts contrary to Philippians 4:8 to develop. These thoughts can give birth to one of the ugliest words in the English language: gossip. Ironically, gossip comes from the word godsibb. It literally means god parent and refers to the female relatives and friends who gathered together to help a woman giving birth. I’m sure they would share a lot of news ( good and bad) with one another while waiting for the child to deliver; hence, the word gossip.
Gossip can be a cruel taskmaster. The flesh loves it! But when the deed is done, a Christian will find that it blocks the light of Christ and ultimately brings self-condemnation. When I gossip to a friend who is not a Christian my credibility for sharing the gospel is seriously damaged. If I want to be a transparent Christian this is one area where I dare not spend any time.

2. Have nothing in your home that you would not want the whole world to know about. Phil 2:3

The first thing I would think about would be any kind of lewd literature or pornography in any form; perhaps anything occultic. Others may think of beer or wine or cigarettes or maybe even marijuana. But I was also thinking of some other things that could be in my house that are a little more subtle. Think of Philippians 2:3.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more
important than yourselves ;

I know that I often have attitudes of selfishness in my home that I would never want anyone else to know about. I would never want anyone to see how I sometimes lose my temper with my husband or go shopping on the internet even though I know my husband really does not want me to spend that money. I can almost hear Paul saying, “These types of things ought not be my sister.” These are the things that prevent the light of Christ from getting through.

3. Keep yourself, your children, your home, property, closets, drawers, etc. as you would want the whole world to see – not in a spirit of false pride but in a spirit of thankfulness and appreciation for the blessings bestowed on you. Titus 2:3-5

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine,
teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

I have seen first-hand how this works. I love to have everything in order but since I have the bad habit of procrastinating, I often take one too many breaks in front of the TV or spend too much time doing a puzzle or playing a computer game while procrastinating about the things that are important to the smooth running of “our” home. This was really a problem when I was a young mother. Instead of getting all the chores done first I would often waste precious time. These would be the days a friend would stop by unannounced or worse yet, my parents would “surprise” me by stopping by. I cringe at the memory of the unwelcome attitude I would have. I know my parents were very hurt by this and eventually they stopped coming altogether. I hated anyone seeing me in my less than perfect state.

I could have also been more transparent by sharing with them what I just shared with you. Perhaps they would have appreciated my honesty and it would have dispelled their feelings of being unloved or unappreciated. This third item is one directive for transparency that, had it been followed, would have dispelled a lot of the darkness that loomed in my family in the early days.

4. Do nothing you would be ashamed of Jesus seeing. Say nothing
you would not want Jesus to hear. Think of nothing you would
not want to share with Jesus. Matthew 5:22; Matthew 12:36

“But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court ; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court ; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.”

“But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.

I remember a few years ago it was very popular to wear initial jewelry with the following letters: WWJD; what would Jesus do? For me it would have been good to have a bracelet that read, “WWJS”; what would Jesus say? I can get into a lot of trouble with my mouth; mostly by reacting. When I react to what other’s say, especially those in my home, in an unkind, angry, super-sensative way, I am certainly preventing the light of Christ from showing through. If I am being transparent it is not Jesus people are seeing but the me that is full of sin and darkness when left to my own devices. When I learned that I am going to be held accountable for every careless word I speak…I couldn’t believe it. “Every word, Lord? Not, every word!” But this is what the Word of God says…every word. Therefore, I have to be vigilant about “guarding my heart for out of it my mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34

5. The very process of endeavoring to live your life to the honor
and glory of God will leave no time for discontent, self-pity,
or criticism of others. You will know you have achieved the
life of transparency when you develop a tolerance for the
shortcomings in others and begin to love others as yourself.

Most of the world is crying out for transparency.

Looking up transparency first took me to a lot of sites dealing with the business world. It seems the public is crying out for transparency in business and especially government. We want to know what is going on in Congress and the White House. We want to know what the UN thinks and the next plan the terrorists have. We want to know how our money is being managed.

Personal transparency is different. Many people seem to feel that there is too much personal transparency today and it is unhealthy to “tell all” to strangers. They believe there is a difference between transparency and honesty.

The internet consensus is that no one should lie; ever. However, complete transparency would be foolish. The only way one can have a life of complete transparency is to live a life where there is nothing to hide.

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular, when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that ugly, burned biscuit. He ate every bite of that thing……never made a face nor uttered a word about it! When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Honey, I love burned biscuits every now and then.” Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night, and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your momma put in a hard day at work today, and she’s real tired. And besides, a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!” As I’ve grown older, I’ve thought about that many times. Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I’m not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and even anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I’ve learned over the years is that accepting each other’s faults–and choosing to celebrate each others differences — is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. And that’s my prayer for you today — that you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He’s the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn’t a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship; in fact, understanding is the base of any good relationship, be it husband-wife or parent-child or friendship! “Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone elses pocket. Keep it in your own.” So, please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine. And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life. Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
“Life without God is like an un-sharpened pencil. It has no point.”

I

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is FEAR of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include A PARTNER WHO BELITTLES YOU or tries to CONTROL you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?
Physical abuse and domestic violence
When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse
Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .
The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
Rigidly controlling your finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Restricting you to an allowance.
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.
Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you “who is boss.”
Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he’s done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
“Normal” behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he’ll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example
A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, “I’m sorry for hurting you.” What he does not say is, “Because I might get caught.” He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her “If you weren’t such a worthless whore I wouldn’t have to hit you.” He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because “you’re having an affair with the store clerk.” He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service
Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse
It’s impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse
People who are being abused may:

Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
Go along with everything their partner says and does.
Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.
Warning signs of physical violence
People who are being physically abused may:

Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).
Warning signs of isolation
People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
Rarely go out in public without their partner.
Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.
The psychological warning signs of abuse
People who are being abused may:

Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.
Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse
If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.

Do’s and Don’t's
Do:
Ask if something is wrong.
Express concern.
Listen and validate.
Offer help.
Support his or her decisions.
Don’t:
Wait for him or her to come to you.
Judge or blame.
Pressure him or her.
Give advice.
Place conditions on your support.

Adapted from NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Nathaniel Bluedorn
published
September 01, 2003
20531 views
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My Mom wanted me to read this book – you know, one of those books that mothers hint will help your spiritual growth.

The Bait of Satan is about learning to overcome bitterness. It is about learning to deal with offenses, and forgive the person who has offended you. An offended person is one who has “taken offense” when someone mistreated him in some way. This may also include offended people who believe they were mistreated when they were not.

These are the points that Bevere made which stood out to me:

Dealing with Difficult Situations

If we are in a situation where someone is offending us, we are not necessarily called to leave that situation. We are not necessarily called to fix the situation either.
If we become offended and leave a difficult situation, we often fail to learn the character lessons that God wanted to teach us.
If we become offended and leave a situation angry, we can become spiritual vagabonds. For the rest of our lives we grow more and more offended and isolated, and develop a persecution complex. We blame everyone else for our unhappiness.
Immature Christians often try to protect themselves in difficult situations. They do not see that God has brought them into this situation to help them acknowledge their own character flaws.
The way we view the difficulties we have left behind will determine how we will react to our next difficulties. When we leave one situation bitter, we will carry that into other relationships. No one is able to develop a healthy relationship with someone who is running from bitterness.
We should not leave a bad situation until we feel the Holy Spirit leading us out with peace. We should not react to the difficulties in the situation. Instead we should be moved by the Holy Spirit.
If we leave a difficult situation without the Holy Spirit’s leading, it may take many years before we see the offense we have hidden in our heart. God will eventually make us face our problem, even though we may avoid it for many years. If God does not, we may never come to grips with our own character flaws.
If we do leave a situation with the peace of the Holy Spirit, we won’t feel compelled to defend or explain our difficulties to others.
We should not enter a situation or relationship, like a church, unless we really know God wants us to join. We will not be able to leave the situation until God releases us.
Reconciliation

If we won’t forgive someone deep in our heart, then we are waiting for vengeance – even if we only want to see them do a small thing. We have made ourselves the judge and are demanding justice before we forgive. What if Christ did this?
God wants us to make it our top priority to help a brother who has stumbled, and not try to prove ourselves correct in our judgment of him. Even if the offense was his fault, we should humble ourselves and try to be reconciled.
When a brother offends us, sometimes we confront him with a wrong attitude. We want to tell him his sin more than we want to be humbly reconciled. The only way to pursue peace and true reconciliation is to maintain an attitude of humility at the expense of pride and our personal rights. Pride defends. Humility is willing to yield and tries to find agreement.
When we are ready to forgive an offense, we are eager to find a way to make peace.
Other Points

Listening to the Holy Spirit – It is important to stay tenderhearted to what the Holy Spirit is saying to us. We need to be acutely sensitive to hear when the Holy Spirit is telling us that we have a small area of bitterness growing in our heart. We should not be afraid to examine our own heart. A sign that we are truly examining our heart is when we want to hear the insights that other people have about our attitude, and we are searching for what God wants, and not simply standing up for our rights.
Selfish relationships – If we are easily offended, then our relationships are based on what others can do for us and not on respecting them the way they are.
Faith – Offences is tied to our trust in God. If we succumb to offenses, it is because our faith is weak. God will need to shake our faith to strengthen it.
Bitterness – The story of Absalom is a good example of how a person can become angry over a legitimate offense, but then allow bitterness to grow in his heart until it causes much evil. Absalom judged his father David, and then allowed his bitterness over his injustice to rule his life. This happens today when a leader’s faults make his followers angry and bitter, until they try to overthrow him.
Offending for the truth – If we teach the truth, it is inevitable that we will offend people who do not love the truth. Jesus did this. If we compromise the truth to keep from offending people, then we will lose God’s anointing on our ministry. We have chosen our relationship with our friends over our relationship with God. Jesus left those who were offended by the truth behind and moved on.
Offending for our rights – We should be careful not to offend someone by flaunting our more liberal understanding of an issue. We should not offend someone who has a weak conscience. Jesus did not owe the temple tax, but he chose to pay the tax in order not to offend those who would not understand his actions if he did not pay the tax. He did not stand up for His rights.
Steps to Overcome an Offense

Just as our body needs exercise, our anti-offense muscle needs exercise. Sometimes it is easy to keep from being offended, but other times it is hard to resist a strong temptation.

Bevere gave these steps for overcoming an offense:

Admit you are hurt. Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s promptings about this.
Forgive the person who has offended you and release him from your attention on his guilt.
Practice and strengthen your ability to forgive others when they offend you. This will help you keep an injury from happening again. Stay free.
Go to a higher level of forgiveness and freedom by praying for the person who offended you. Pray like you would want Jesus to pray for you. Pray for the offender’s sake.
Go to the person and communicate reconciliation, apology and forgiveness to him. Learn to love him again despite his faults. You are going for his sake, not yours. You’ve already forgiven him. Communicating reconciliation will seal your forgiveness of him.
The Holy Spirit will lead us in this process at a pace that we can handle. It may seem at times that we are only getting worse. But we will come out of the situation a more mature Christian who is thankful for this experience.

Challenges for Me

When I become bitter, I lose faith in God. I am really angry with God for letting this offense happen. I can always imagine a better world where my rights are always respected, and I become dissatisfied with the world that God created where people offend me. When I am angry with someone, my mind focuses on the wrong that person did to me, instead of focusing on the character lesson that God wants to teach me though this event.

When someone sins and offends me, I feel I should police him into his place – I want to fix his sins. When I get angry, I prove that my relationship was a selfish one. I wouldn’t get angry if I accepted an offensive person just the way he are, and didn’t try to make him into someone who treated me better. My anger often exaggerates and distorts the situation in my mind so that I can’t clearly see the right solution.

I know God wants me to overcome any cycles of anger and bitterness that I have in my family before I go into the wider world. If I carry bitterness into the rest of my life, I will be more prone to become bitter with new people in my life. Getting this block out of my life would free me to serve God more effectively.

So, that was what I learned from The Bait of Satan. I’m glad Mom thought it would be to my spiritual betterment, because it was.

Comments

1 Lakisha Middleton (May 01, 2008 at 8:00 AM)
I have read this book twice. It was so profound in my total deliverance. I have since passed the book along, but today an incident occurred and just needed to be reminded of what I learned years ago. This review reminded me of those key points to meditate on and I will be purchasing this book for my library. Thanks
2 Brian Williams (July 29, 2008 at 3:00 PM)
Hi, my name is Brian Williams. I have yet to read this book however I will do so soon. I am the Director of Home Recovery House in Lansing Michigan. We are an after treatment facility for recovering addicts. I have for many years wondered how the enemy attacks and some of It’s methods. Today I will gather more tool to help me to better understand the tricks of his traps. Thank you for pointing out some of the areas in this book that I do look forward to reading. Brian Williams, Lansing Michigan
3 John Tatum (August 19, 2008 at 8:00 PM)
In reference to number 5:
“Go to the person and communicate reconciliation, apology and forgiveness to him. Learn to love him again despite his faults. You are going for his sake, not yours. You’ve already forgiven him. Communicating reconciliation will seal your forgiveness of him.”
I believe that we should communicate reconciliation however, apology and foregiveness could pose an issue as per how they each pertain to a situation. In the case of apology, one could assume the following:
“If I have caused confusion and or if I angered you, then I apologize”.
But on the other hand if I did not cause the problem, and I was subjected to an abusive situation, then I believe that I should forgive them and pray for them, but apologizing for something that I did not do to create the issue, going to the individual in some cases could only add more fuel to the fire and only worsen the situation. I have seen this happen time and time again. Again that is not to say that your method does not work at all, I am not saying that at all. I am saying that you must be very careful when you use this methodology because you can make things even worse than they are.
Also in an abusive and explosive situation I believe that we are to separate ourselves from situations where we could put ourselves in harms way unawares. Explosive situations should be “taken to those who are trained to handle situations as such.” This could be the elders of the church such as the Pastor and or those who have credentials and experience in areas where explosive anger and retribution can flare up and make the situation worse than it already is. Now one can argue this fact and preach that “it is not scriptural” however, we must also understand that God has placed his grace on those who are labled as “Christian Counselor’s” who are trained in areas to handle situations such as this. So again, a deliniation should be made stressing that under “explosive situations” a Christian Counselor “should” be consulted before any type of reconciliation takes place. Our good intensions sometimes will get in the way of good and sound judgement and turn as situation into something opposite of what our intensions were of the outcome!
John Tatum
Doctorial Student
Nova Southeastern Graduation School of Computer and Information Sciences.
4 Tammi (August 26, 2008 at 4:37 PM)
Hi! I just read your blog. I am so excited about this book! The women’s group at church is going to start reading and studing this book after Labor Day. I hope I get out of it what you seem to have gotten out of it. God Bless! Tammi Tulsa, OK
5 Lindsey (September 03, 2008 at 5:42 PM)
I feel that your comments were exceptional and overall sound. Not having read the book, your comments persuade me to do so. Thanks, Lindsey
6 Anna (January 07, 2009 at 8:58 PM)
Very Intriguing. I have not read the book, but I am going through a circumstance of someone I love dearly that I believe to have bitterness in his heart. I just happened to stumble across your website in searching to see if there were any books out there on the topic of bitterness. My loved one does NOT see that he is bitter and denies it. However, he fits a lot of the points you’ve described. I’m going to get the book to atleast read for myself…and keep praying harder than ever for my loved one.
7 Amy (January 14, 2009 at 5:09 AM)
This book is a must read. I have read it several times. I pull it out and read it every time I have an issue of unforgiveness. It is a really powerful book. It really helps in those times when we do become offended by someone, even if we have done nothing wrong. There is also a video series that goes along with it, as well as a workbook.
8 pearl (January 30, 2009 at 10:56 AM)
hi, my name is pearl.i have read this book, and im glad i did, right now i dont find it difficult to forgive. thanks alot
9 Dereck (March 14, 2009 at 6:19 PM)
Be aware this book is not supported by scripture, and the premise is it is a sin to take offense which is far from what the Bible teaches. If that were true then both God and Jesus are habitial sinners.
Even John’s account allowed abuse in the church he was on staff at. He gives an example of one pastor trying to get him fired and other associate pastors in the church. When asked about it he claims he had documented evidence and refused to answer and let the abuse continue. The Pastor should have fired him and the other pastor.
This is a dangerous book.
10 Adam (April 30, 2009 at 5:05 AM)
Dear Reader,
The Author of the Bait of Satan has written a book that reveals the truth. When we get offended, at least for me, it really rocks the boat in my life. My relationship with the Holy Spirit is kind of put on hold until I get past the offense. For me when God is not involved in my daily life because of my offense then life stinks. Things don’t go right and the Father is trying to get my attention. But when I do come to my senses the truth sets me free. What a relief to my spirit it is! To be smart spiritually is to forgive quickly. The scriptures set us free. Thank you John Bevere
11 Stephan (May 12, 2009 at 1:55 AM)
The only way for this book to be dangerous is if you are scared that you might actually be able to forgive someone who offended you or when you are not ready for growing to maturity as a Christian. I was delighted to find that everything said was supported by scripture, and refers to bible passages all the way. So part of reading this book is continiously going to the bible in order to get the meaning in context.
I’m only halfway through it and my life and view of others have already changed bigtime! For the first time in my life the love between me and my brothers is so strong it can be touched.
Stephan (New Zealand)
12 Trying to Heal (August 04, 2009 at 8:46 AM)
I would like to hear more about what to do when you have a person above you who is spiritually abusing you….we talk a lot about if a woman is being hit by her husband to get out—but what about a Pastor that abuses you?? I have had a pastor that treated me very badly and if I was not right with her..I was not right with God. She controlled who people married in our church..who we could be friends with….etc… I have been living in fear for SO long and as much as I would love reconciliation….sometimes getting back into a relationship like that is just not wise. I would love to hear John talk about what to do when you ARE being beat up emotionally by your spiritual leaders….the charastmtic church has YET to truly touch on this and balance out this teaching that makes all our pastors mini gods that can rule out lives. The ONLY Pastor that I have heard touch on this is Keven Brent….no other has dared….I do, however, agree that you MUST keep offense out of your heart! John must know that his teaching is being used as a tool to keep people IN such horrible situations…saying that we are just offended if we leave…
13 BOTSHELO IRENE KOBE (August 20, 2009 at 7:50 AM)
This book is important in our lifes as christians even non christians because it helps us to deal with our emotions and problems cauz as human beings we often hurt other people being aware or unaware.
14 Rosalyn Rubertino (August 26, 2009 at 5:35 AM)
On my way to work. Excellent writing so far. I am printing it out to read later. I am experiencing this very thing right now. Sensitive to the HS guidance I rarely leave a situation until resolution is complete.
15 TRB (September 10, 2009 at 1:36 PM)
Our Church is doing this study. It is very good. Thank you for sharing it. God Bless you.
16 John Holby (November 13, 2009 at 10:04 AM)
I believe that the Bait of Satan is false hope that comes with disappointment.
I fly Paragliders and our dream is to fly with the Eagles.
However the price of this dream is a lot of waiting especially when you stand on top of a mountain waiting for updrafts and you experience a tail wind.
There is a pilots nightmare and that is to end up in a rotor.
The wind is against you but because of the topography the wind comes inn and looks like perfect conditions. Launching in a rotor can cause death.I believe the cure from falling in the bait of satan is to experience a Strong Baptism and power of the Holy Spirit who will lead us and help us to keep our eyes on Jesus Christ that will melt all anxiety and fear and doubt in our hearts so that we can truly soar in the Spirit to meet Jesus.COME HOLY SPIRIT
17 Rajeev Menon (December 12, 2009 at 3:05 AM)
This book has blesses be immensly, i have purchased 24 copies to make sure everyone reads it.
Must read for every Christian, specially Leaders.
God Bless you John.
18 Julie George (January 11, 2010 at 9:55 AM)
Thanks for blogging this book.
It was a good reminder to walk in humility. I need the Lord to increase my faith so I can forgive 70×70. I appreciate your work out here.
19 rolando (March 13, 2010 at 9:16 AM)
The Bait of Satan radically change my attitude towards difficult acceptance of being offended. I am blessed when I read this book especially for many insight that expose our hidden weakness. God bless you Bro. John Bevere. If ever I found anyone with the same situation as mentioned in this book I didn’t hesitate to share it to them. Amen. Rolly A.
20 Maria Fitzsimonds (March 26, 2010 at 1:42 PM)
I needed to read this commentary today on John Bevere’s book. I had read the book years ago but not having it handy and feeling hurt and confused because of feeling wronged or I guess offended by someone very close to me, I believe it was the Lord who reminded me of this wonderful book. I appreciate the points mentioned above; they have helped sooth my aching heart and keep me on the right path, God’s path, of forgiveness and reconciliation. I am so thankful for finding this site “by chance.” Thank you! MF
21 romidla morrison (April 03, 2010 at 10:18 PM)
What if you werent aware you had offended someone, so when you find out you attempt to make contact to try and make amends but your are refused, how can i resolve the issue.
22 Lydiah (May 28, 2010 at 3:35 AM)
For the past couple of weeks, there has been a lot of tension between my fiance and i. I realised that i had offended him and his reponse was offending me too. I was feeling unappreciated. I had read the Bait of Satan last year(2009) and this morning as i was doing my devotions, the Holy Spirit reveled to me that i was being judgmental and unforgiving and that i needed to forgive my fiance of his “inconsiderate” responses which ended up offending me. So i prayed and forgave him, i felt so relaxed and peaceful. I pray that God ministers to him as well and i look forward to a great reconsiliation soon. I gave him my copy of the Bait of Satan to read early this year.
23 Mama B (August 27, 2010 at 1:16 PM)
I applaud John Bevere for his insight and following of the Holy Spirit. Because all wisdom comes from God. This book reminds me of another about a woman whose husband was offended at her. She didn’t really understand it until after they got married. Then began a bitter struggle. The wife turns to God who heals the relationship. Great insight into marriage relationships. The name of the book is “Women are Spiritual BRIDGES.”

Surrender to God; What It Means to Me

One of the dictionary definitions of surrender is to yield in favor of another; to give oneself over to the power or authority of another. Some synonyms of surrender are yield and submit.

Surrender, like many of life’s challenges, is a choice. The initial surrender to God at my salvation was just the beginning of a lifelong process. In order for me to be in the center of God’s will for my life, I have to continue the process of surrender on a daily basis. Herein lies the rub.

Since the daily grind of life has a way of moving in and taking charge, it is of paramount importance for me to start my day by surrendering and submitting everything I have and am to God. The Strong’s Concordance definitions of submit (from James 4:7, “Submit therefore unto God; resist the devil and he will flee from me.”) are:

1) to arrange under, to subordinate
2) to subject, put in subjection
3) to subject one’s self, obey
4) to submit to one’s control
5) to yield to one’s admonition or advice
6) to obey, be subject

Submit is a Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”. What is it that I have to “arrange in a military fashion under the command of a leader?” It is my thoughts. Since every thing I do and am is controlled by my thoughts. It is imperative that my thoughts be submitted to God. Colossians 3:2 tells me to, “Set my mind on things above and not on things on the earth.” This means I have to be, according to Strong’s Concordance, of the same mind, agree together, cherish the same views, and be harmonious with what is going on in heaven.”

This morning I was quite annoyed with my husband. I started thinking about just how annoying he was and how he was always manipulating me. Of course he does not see that he does this so there is no use trying to talk to him about it as he would just deny it. I was really getting on a roll with this line of thinking when suddenly I thought of Philippians 4:8. “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if the be any praise, think on these things.” Thank God that the Holy Spirit brought this to my mind and I began thinking about how good George is to me and what a great husband he is and before I knew it my mind had totally switched gears. This, I think, is an example of surrender. I surrendered my thoughts to the authority of God’s word and did what God’s word said. Isn’t that amazing? It actually works! God’s word actually is effective!

It is so easy for me to forget that the Christian life is like being in the military and Jesus Christ is my commanding officer; I need to have, just like a soldier, a prevailing lifestyle that submits every area of my life to the Lord. When I fail to do this, I find myself living without the victory that should me mine!

The truth is that I will be submitted to someone throughout the day. If I have not submitted to Christ, I will be submitted to self or satan. (I think being submitted to self, which is not submitted to Christ, is automatically submitting to satan.) I’m sure satan doesn’t care it I submit to my will; as long as I am not submitted to God’s will, he wins.

What is the secret to living a life that is fully surrendered to God? 1 Peter 5:7 says I am to “Cast all my cares onto the Lord because He cares for me.” Then I have to leave those cares in the hands of the Lord. For example, I have been somewhat estranged from my brothers and sister for the past several years. It was worse when I located to Florida because I was totally separated from them since they are in New Jersey or farther north in New England.

Soon after I moved to Florida, I began giving my brothers and sister to the Lord. I began to consciously trust that He would make a way. Each morning during my quiet time I would meditate and sing the song by Don Moen, “God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way; He will make a way.” I can’t tell you how many times I sang that song over the past 5 years. I only know that the Lord has been working in our lives and is rebuilding our relationships. God led me to reach out in some different ways to my brothers and sisters. I didn’t have the plan when I started; it just sort of evolved and is still being worked out.

We have been talking about having a Sibling Reunion and it seems that we are all in favor of that. We were having a hard time figuring out when we would have it and what do you think? My nephew is getting married on June 10th. We did not know this when we started talking about a sibling reunion; I certainly did not think this was how God would begin to get us all together when I started praying 5 years ago. All I knew was that if I left it up to Him, He would make a way where there seemed to be no way. I am praying that wonderful things will happen during the weekend of the wedding and I am content to let God handle all the arrangements. Usually, I would begin planning a dinner or some kind of gathering but I know God has a plan in His mind and if He needs me to do something, He will let me know.

I have lots of cares about how I am going to do all the things that I have on my plate right now. But, I know what I have to do. I have to surrender them all to God and put every one of those of things in his hands; just cast all the care of them onto Him because I know He cares for me. Now, that I have just done that, what am I to do. I am to trust that God will have a plan for me to accomplish all that is in His will for me to accomplish and if I do not get it accomplished it means that it must not be part of God’s will for my life. I am trusting God to lead me in the way I should go and I am not going to be anxious about it because I have made it a matter of prayer and asked God to lead me. So, I will continue to establish priorities for each day and trust hat the things that need to be done will get done and what is left over at the end of the day will just have to wait or is not part of God’s will for me.

Things don’t always happen as neatly as that though. There are the days that are filled to the brim with chores and things that really need to get done when God asks me to change my plans because there is something on His agenda that is not on mine. This can be frustrating unless I remember that my times are in His hands and he is the pilot of my ship and can steer me any where He sees fit. With this kind of thinking I can enter into a change in my schedule joyfully and without stress or frustration.

One might think that being surrendered to God’s will is rather stifling; nothing could be farther from the truth. Being surrendered to God’s will for my life is so liberating! It frees me from bondage to the idea that if I don’t accomplish a plethora of things each day I am a failure. What if I don’t have every day on my calendar filled with an activity or a project? What will I do with all that empty space; after all, aren’t idle hands the devil’s workshop? Well in some instances yes but it is not idle time but free time that I make available to God to do with me as he wishes. This can only happen if I am surrendered and submitted to His will for my life.

Submit – 1) to arrange under, to subordinate
2) to subject, put in subjection
3) to subject one’s self, obey
4) to submit to one’s control
5) to yield to one’s admonition or advice
6) to obey, be subject

Submit – this word was a Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.

Surrender:

to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.

to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

Submit – to give over or yield to the power or authority of another(often used reflexively).

Yield:
to give up, as to superior power or authority: They yieldedthe fort to the enemy.
4.
to give up or surrender (oneself): He yielded himself totemptation.
5.
to give up or over; relinquish or resign: to yield the floor tothe senator from Ohio.

4. to give way, submit, or surrender, as through force orpersuasion: she yielded to his superior knowledge

Romans 6:16-19

James 4:7 Submit therefore to God; resist the devil and he will flee from me.

This book is about recovering from abuse (mostly sexual abuse as a child) by knowing God and pursuing His healing and wholeness. Many of us put on a mask to cover the intensity of our pain or assume forgiveness means covering the pain and pretending it doesn’t exist. Many of us have a view of God that is distorted by our experiences in life.

The first step to recovery is to face the problem. If you are a victim, it may be necessary for you to dig up the past events and begin to examine the past and work through what has happened. There are three types of victims:

1.) Repressed – One that is unaware that any abuse has happened. She/he has blocked the memory due to the intense trauma she has experienced. Usually she/he is depressed and often suicidal.

2.) The Suppressed Victim – This victim is aware of the abuse but has suppressed the memory, and may have low self-esteem and relationship problems.

3.) The Oppressed Victim – This victim remembers and identifies the trauma of the past, but who thinks it has been resolved.

One can lack victory in their spiritual walk and have oppression in their spirit. One can have mood swings, criticalness of others and anger.

One must find the root of the problem. Facing what has happened and looking honestly at any symptoms that have resulted. Until we are willing to do this, the Holy Spirit is limited in accomplishing the deep work of healing.

Most victims of abuse experience common symptoms:

1. Depression – in some, may come and go. In others it is a way of life. It is a state of feeling helpless. Victims don’t like feeling captive by their emotions, but they can’t change on their own.

2. Anger – The anger that victims feel is usually misdirected. If you are displacing your anger, realize it is often a carryover from your childhood.

3. Fear/Anxiety – The fear that is experienced by most victims might better be labeled intimidation. The sense of helplessness, rejection and fear all come to the surface and cause intense anxiety.

4. Guilt/Shame – The guilt left by most victims is really false guilt. The victims have a tendency to carry the guilt of their family and the whole world on their shoulders. Guilt is often reflected in our relationship or lack of relationship with God.

5. Difficulty establishing relationships – For most victims the difficulty in this area stems from a lack of trust. The scars can be carried for life and are seen in an inability to secure and maintain intimacy with others.

6. Repeated Victimization – This symptom is so common among all types of victims that it is frightening. They become victims in many areas of their lives; jobs, relationships, marriage, etc. This symptom has a ripple effect. A woman marries a man who victimizes her and her children. The victimized child, in turn, marries someone who victimizes her and the pattern goes on. This is a demonstration of what the Scripture declares in Exodus 34:7: “Visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.”

7. Shut-off/Over-controlling of emotions – People who have shut off their emotions are the most difficult to reach. They are women who seem to have everything under control; they seem confident, and independent. They have a need to be in control. The reason they are difficult to reach is because they rarely recognize they have any problems. The origin of the shut-off emotion is that the victim subconsciously chooses to shut-off in order to survive because the incident of abuse is so traumatic to the young person. These emotions are never openly expressed but pushed down and suppressed for years.

8. Sexual problems in marriage (from sexual abuse) – It only makes sense that the wound inflicted in the past would show up again in this most intimate area.

9. Poor Self-image/Low Self-esteem – These two go hand in hand. Even those who appear confident and controlling may be victims of low self-esteem. Some have difficulty accepting criticism, and they become defensive. Others complacently accept whatever is dished out to them with an inability to stand up in their own behalf. The self-image/self-esteem of an individual is at the foundation of who the person is. When that undergoes trauma or lack of proper development, it will show up in many areas.

There are numerous physical, emotional, and spiritual symptoms which can be associated with victimization. Unless the sin is dealt with it can be carried from generation to generation. You must be willing to dig up the past in order to experience health in the future. “And you will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” Jn 8:32.

Step two is to recount the incident. Satan capitalizes on the emotional hurts in our lives and keeps us in a state of condemnation when, instead, we could be walking in liberation due to Christ’s complete work on the cross. Following Nehemiah’s example, we must survey the losses and damage in our lives before we can intelligently set out to rebuild.

We often do a disservice to victims by discounting or intellectualizing their experiences, forgetting that little children’s fears, confusions and doubts are very real. Talking about the incident doesn’t change the event or its impact, but it does release some of the emotion surrounding the incident. With some, guilt and self-incrimination make it difficult for them to verbalize their trauma. Recounting the incident allows the victim to begin to release some of the emotions around her/his experience and brings to light that which has been hidden so long. By recounting the incident and building on a Scriptural foundation, the victim can receive feedback that is valuable to their recovery. Like the woman at the well, Jesus used recounting her life as a means of addressing past and present issues.

Step three is experiencing the feelings. As victims, we must feel the feelings and scrutinize the loss resulting from the injury. We must look carefully at the losses and feelings we experience in childhood traumas in order to gather the material needed to begin a rebuilding program. When we continue to carry these feelings around with us as adults, we will often experience feelings of frustration, anxiety, and hopelessness.

Step four is to establish responsibility. Recognizing the need for this accountability, or establishing responsibility, is a crucial step in overcoming the symptoms associated with victimization. One of the main difficulties a victim has in calling the aggressor to accountability is his/her own self-judgment at being a co-participant in the incestuous act. The victim tends to assume some of the responsibility herself of her victimization. A victim of child molestation suffers from having her sexual arousal system activated prematurely. This causes confusion, misunderstanding, and a sexual identity imbalance in the child. Other problems that can come up are:

1. Fear of loss – feel pressured to maintain a relationship due to loyalty issues within the family.

2. Co-contributors – any one that may not have been a direct participant but that has knowledge of the molestation, or sees signs of such. In cases of sibling incest, there is usually a breakdown in the parental role.

3. Family denial – The step from denial to reality is achieved through confrontation.

4. Minimizing your experience – the victim’s attempt to minimize the act or intent of the aggressor in order to free herself or the perpetrator.

The goal of establishing responsibility is not to push blame in all directions in order to give the victim a “blank slate.” The primary function is to place responsibility where it belongs. The balance of responsibility is a vital component in the future wholeness of the victim and the restoration of the family.

Common warning signs in children.

1. Fear of specific persons or situations/strangers

2. Nightmares

3. Withdrawal (Social or emotional)

4. Bed wetting/change in sleep patterns

5. Personality change

6. Loss of appetite; increase in physiological complaints

7. Unprovoked crying spells

8. Clinging to significant adult

9. Excessive washing/baths

10. Poor self-image/low self-esteem

11. Changes in type of fantasy play

12. Fear of being alone

13. Refusal to go to school

14. Running away

15. Attempt to control environment/fear of unknown

16. Early sexual precociousness

Step Five is to trace behavioral difficulties and symptoms. To some extent patterns of communication, habits, mannerisms, gestures and personal idiosyncrasies are rooted in the family background. These can be positive or negative characteristics which we carry into our marriage. Because modeling is so important in how children learn, we have come to realize that it is often not what children are told by their parents that impact them, but what they are shown. The dysfunctional patterns of communication, the degree to which the family is a “closed system,” and the family’s inability to resolve conflicts in a healthy way are all contributory factors that either allow for or reduce dysfunction in the following generation. Tracing requires that you identify present patterns of behavior that are contributing to difficulties in your relationships in order to trace them back to their origin (not a tool to excuse or justify our conduct). As I go to the Lord in regard to patterns in my own life that are not pleasing to Him and are unhealthy toward others, He will be faithful to expose them and to help me make changes.

Step six is to observe others and educate yourself. When we experience any type of loss, we find great comfort just being in the presence of someone else who has been where we are. This is why we encourage any type of victim to involve herself with others who have had a similar experience.

Step seven is to confront the aggressor. Confrontation is the actual placing of responsibility in the hands of its rightful owners. You may have given mental assent to the fact that the aggressor is responsible for what happened, but until you place that responsibility in his hands by confrontation, you are probably carrying some, if not all of the burden. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”

Step eight is to acknowledge forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process. The deeper the wound inflicted, the longer the process of forgiveness. The Holy Spirit is the only one who accomplishes healing in our lives. We must make certain we are in a position to accept it. Forgiveness is a fourfold process; First, I must acknowledge or own up to the pain. Second, I must release my right to hold on to bitterness, resentment, and anger. Third, I must desire reconciliation. Fourth, I must extend to the offender an invitation to rebuild the relationship through the expression of unconditional love and acceptance.

Step nine is to rebuild self-image and relationships. This chapter talks about seeing ourselves the way God Does. Many influences contribute to the images we have of ourselves: our background, our relationships with our parents or mates, our religious experiences, and a multitude of other factors. We need to reject faulty beliefs and renew our mind with scripture. Then we need to restore right relationships.

Step ten is to express concern and empathize with others. Sharing with others so that they can be helped is the final step. This principle is primarily outlined in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we will be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

The biggest lesson I learned from this book is that a person is not the culprit of a devastating event in my life, but is himself a victim and tool used by the enemy. The Scripture says the enemies goal is to “steal, and to kill , and destroy” (John 10:10). The important thing for me to do is walk in obedience to God.

But if any have caused grief, he hath not grieved me, but in part: that I may not overcharge you all. Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was afflicted of many. So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him. For to this end also did I write, that I might know the proof of you, whether ye be obedient in all things. To whom you forgive anything, I forgive also: for if I forgave anything, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ; Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

2 Cor. 2:5-11

http://thesexaddictedbrain.com

A young man, who was homosexual, came for counseling wanting to overcome his addiction. He also truly wanted to overcome homosexuality, but was led to believe there was no hope of ever being able to do that. I had him read what I thought was going to be the first three pages of the article on addiction, and to his surprise and mine, something he read in the second paragraph, about the root cause of addiction, hit him like a brick, and for the first time, he knew that he did not have to live the rest of his life as a homosexual, and that he is going to be restored to heterosexuality, as is the desire of his heart.
The third intimidating issue is serious mental illness…psychopaths, schizophrenics, multiple personalities, etc. I began getting phone calls from people suffering from serious mental illness. I initially was intimidated, thinking the conditions were beyond my ability to help. But when I was getting one call after another, it suddenly dawned on me that it was THE LORD who was directing these people to me. They had already been to numerous psychiatrists, psychologist, and secular counselors but still were suffering. They wanted to find out if there was any hope for them from a Biblical perspective. To my surprise I introduced them to the Seven Dynamics, with the encouragement to get them all activated in their life, without exception, and life began to change for them. The most difficult part is overcoming the affects of the physiological dependence caused by the psychotropic medications, and having the clients, who desperately want to get off of these medications, realize the danger of doing that, without being weaned off under the close supervision of the physician who prescribed the medicine in the first place. I show patients how to saturate themselves with the pure Word of God, and encourage them to get that process firmly established in their life, as well as learn how to deal with the spiritual warfare essential to overcome serious mental illness, before they even begin to think of going off medications. Our God is an awesome God. He honors the desire of the hearts of those entrapped in the medications that are giving them relief in one way, but causing overwhelming distress in another way in their life.
The fourth intimidating malady is obsessive compulsive disorder. Thought replacement is the solution to the overwhelming, overpowering, debilitating obsessive thinking, and uncovering the trapped thought that leads to the ridiculous rituals, and replacing that thought through saturation of the pure truth of the Word of God to break the stronghold of that kind of bondage. Replacing FEAR that God, or someone else, is displeased, or will be displeased, with the person suffering from OCD, with FAITH in the fact that the journey of life includes errors, and missteps, as well os deceptions and delusions, as well as unrepented sin, and that as we go on that journey earnestly, as Christians, desiring to be obedient to the Lord, He very gently reveals areas of correction He wants us to make in our life, and guides and directs us in the path leading to righteousness and holiness. The Lord has compassion on us, as we are being transformed into His image, just as we would have compassion on anyone who asked for our help to make corrections in their life.
All of these issues are spiritual issues, caused by digressions from the Word of God in our heart and mind and spirit. Recovery from these digressions take place when we bring our life into line with the truth of God’s Word, diligently abiding in the Lord through prayer, and devouring God’s Word and getting it to be bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh by doing what it says to do, and stop doing what it says not to do, until the correction has taken place.
WITH GOD nothing is impossible. NOTHING is impossible with God. It would be wonderful if churches would realize they are part of an army of believers fighting a war to set people free from the grip of the world on their lives. Soldiers sent to fight for our country are strenuously trained in the tactics essential to do battle. Churches need to train people to do battle for the souls of those who have become ensnared in the ways of the world. My prayer is that this kind of spiritual training will begin to happen in the churches for the sake of the churches, and the Kingdom of God on this earth, and to bring honor and glory to the Lord.